Many friends and parenting books will tell you their "golden secret" to a happy baby. Do this, or try that, or every time your baby cries it means this. There are theories that if you play Mozart all night your baby will grow up to be a math genius, or that the only way for your baby to become an emotionally secure adult is for you to run to him each times he cries...or for you to rock him to sleep each night, or for him to sleep in bed with you, etc, etc, etc.
Here's the truth: If you do something every night, or every time your baby cries, he will expect that reaction from you. If you play Mozart every night, and the baby loves to sleep to it, and then one night your CD player gets broken...I'm sure you get the picture.
Babies love routine, they're looking for it. Routines give them an idea of what's coming next, what to expect, and an understanding of how the world works. When you change a baby's (or toddler's)routine, you're usually in for a cranky kid for a few days until the new routine takes hold.
When someone is trying to sell you on a parenting method that is routine-based (a repeatable program your child will learn to expect) consider if there is any true value in this theory, or if it's just something that will make baby happy because it's a routine and babies love routine. Also consider you. Is this a routine that you can live with, or will it eventually drive you crazy? I've met many parents over the years who bought into the family bed theory only to seriously regret the decision a few years down the road. And because every baby is different, it's hard to measure these theories without having a personal application. Some babies, from a very young age, are independent, and want lots of tummy time on the floor to explore. Others could care less, and only want the comfort of a warm lap. Does the routine compliment your child's unique personality? And because these parenting 'experts' don't know your child, they are just guessing. All their great ideas may work wonderfully for some children, but not for every child.
So, when considering establishing a certain routine for your baby, consider:
1-Does this theory have real value?
2-Is this something I can live with?
3-Does it compliment my baby's unique personality?
Routines do help though, they make for much happier babies, and help babies learn to sleep though the night faster. So establishing a routine that's right for you is very important.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Intangible
One of the hardest things about motherhood is changing the way we feel validated. Most of us enter motherhood after careers of some sort, or from being a full time student. When you get a paycheck, or a compliment from someone you work with, or praise from your boss, it validates your efforts. When you make a good grade on a paper, when you get an 'A' in a class, it tells you that you are performing your best, that you're doing a good job.
When you're a mother, there is no validation of this kind. There's no one telling you that you're doing a great job day in and day out, there's no paycheck, there's no grading scale to rank your performance. There is, however, a nagging voice in the back of your head telling you all the time how much better you could be, how much more you could be doing, how much cleaner your house should be, and all the things your baby isn't getting.
It doesn't help any that there are a million different theories out there that all claim that there is only one 'right' way to deal with the varies issues in parenting, or that you have well-meaning friends and family members offering advise on how 'they' do things.
What you have to learn is that there's only so much you can do, that you still have to care for yourself as well. You must be compassionate with yourself. Validation will come, not in the form that you're used to. Some women try to force validation, by belittling the methods that other women use. I got this a lot with my first child, when nursing wasn't working. All my friends were breastfeeding with no problems, and would offer all sorts of advise, all the while looking smug at their own success. It took me years to recognize they weren't trying to be mean, they were trying to feel like they were doing something right.
Your validation will come when you find what works for you. It will come in small, intangible moments. It may be at three in the morning, as you feed your sleepy newborn, and you feel this tiny voice inside you say "This is good, this is right". It may come with your baby's first smile, or when they learn to recognize your face. When you see that for your baby, you mean safety, security, warmth, love.
In a society that puts so much stock in careers and career building, where success is measured in pay scales and promotions, it's hard to transition to the slower, less glamorous world of diapers and midnight feedings. It's lonely at first, and isolating. But you will never be as important to anyone as you will be to your child.
When you're a mother, there is no validation of this kind. There's no one telling you that you're doing a great job day in and day out, there's no paycheck, there's no grading scale to rank your performance. There is, however, a nagging voice in the back of your head telling you all the time how much better you could be, how much more you could be doing, how much cleaner your house should be, and all the things your baby isn't getting.
It doesn't help any that there are a million different theories out there that all claim that there is only one 'right' way to deal with the varies issues in parenting, or that you have well-meaning friends and family members offering advise on how 'they' do things.
What you have to learn is that there's only so much you can do, that you still have to care for yourself as well. You must be compassionate with yourself. Validation will come, not in the form that you're used to. Some women try to force validation, by belittling the methods that other women use. I got this a lot with my first child, when nursing wasn't working. All my friends were breastfeeding with no problems, and would offer all sorts of advise, all the while looking smug at their own success. It took me years to recognize they weren't trying to be mean, they were trying to feel like they were doing something right.
Your validation will come when you find what works for you. It will come in small, intangible moments. It may be at three in the morning, as you feed your sleepy newborn, and you feel this tiny voice inside you say "This is good, this is right". It may come with your baby's first smile, or when they learn to recognize your face. When you see that for your baby, you mean safety, security, warmth, love.
In a society that puts so much stock in careers and career building, where success is measured in pay scales and promotions, it's hard to transition to the slower, less glamorous world of diapers and midnight feedings. It's lonely at first, and isolating. But you will never be as important to anyone as you will be to your child.
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