Many friends and parenting books will tell you their "golden secret" to a happy baby. Do this, or try that, or every time your baby cries it means this. There are theories that if you play Mozart all night your baby will grow up to be a math genius, or that the only way for your baby to become an emotionally secure adult is for you to run to him each times he cries...or for you to rock him to sleep each night, or for him to sleep in bed with you, etc, etc, etc.
Here's the truth: If you do something every night, or every time your baby cries, he will expect that reaction from you. If you play Mozart every night, and the baby loves to sleep to it, and then one night your CD player gets broken...I'm sure you get the picture.
Babies love routine, they're looking for it. Routines give them an idea of what's coming next, what to expect, and an understanding of how the world works. When you change a baby's (or toddler's)routine, you're usually in for a cranky kid for a few days until the new routine takes hold.
When someone is trying to sell you on a parenting method that is routine-based (a repeatable program your child will learn to expect) consider if there is any true value in this theory, or if it's just something that will make baby happy because it's a routine and babies love routine. Also consider you. Is this a routine that you can live with, or will it eventually drive you crazy? I've met many parents over the years who bought into the family bed theory only to seriously regret the decision a few years down the road. And because every baby is different, it's hard to measure these theories without having a personal application. Some babies, from a very young age, are independent, and want lots of tummy time on the floor to explore. Others could care less, and only want the comfort of a warm lap. Does the routine compliment your child's unique personality? And because these parenting 'experts' don't know your child, they are just guessing. All their great ideas may work wonderfully for some children, but not for every child.
So, when considering establishing a certain routine for your baby, consider:
1-Does this theory have real value?
2-Is this something I can live with?
3-Does it compliment my baby's unique personality?
Routines do help though, they make for much happier babies, and help babies learn to sleep though the night faster. So establishing a routine that's right for you is very important.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Intangible
One of the hardest things about motherhood is changing the way we feel validated. Most of us enter motherhood after careers of some sort, or from being a full time student. When you get a paycheck, or a compliment from someone you work with, or praise from your boss, it validates your efforts. When you make a good grade on a paper, when you get an 'A' in a class, it tells you that you are performing your best, that you're doing a good job.
When you're a mother, there is no validation of this kind. There's no one telling you that you're doing a great job day in and day out, there's no paycheck, there's no grading scale to rank your performance. There is, however, a nagging voice in the back of your head telling you all the time how much better you could be, how much more you could be doing, how much cleaner your house should be, and all the things your baby isn't getting.
It doesn't help any that there are a million different theories out there that all claim that there is only one 'right' way to deal with the varies issues in parenting, or that you have well-meaning friends and family members offering advise on how 'they' do things.
What you have to learn is that there's only so much you can do, that you still have to care for yourself as well. You must be compassionate with yourself. Validation will come, not in the form that you're used to. Some women try to force validation, by belittling the methods that other women use. I got this a lot with my first child, when nursing wasn't working. All my friends were breastfeeding with no problems, and would offer all sorts of advise, all the while looking smug at their own success. It took me years to recognize they weren't trying to be mean, they were trying to feel like they were doing something right.
Your validation will come when you find what works for you. It will come in small, intangible moments. It may be at three in the morning, as you feed your sleepy newborn, and you feel this tiny voice inside you say "This is good, this is right". It may come with your baby's first smile, or when they learn to recognize your face. When you see that for your baby, you mean safety, security, warmth, love.
In a society that puts so much stock in careers and career building, where success is measured in pay scales and promotions, it's hard to transition to the slower, less glamorous world of diapers and midnight feedings. It's lonely at first, and isolating. But you will never be as important to anyone as you will be to your child.
When you're a mother, there is no validation of this kind. There's no one telling you that you're doing a great job day in and day out, there's no paycheck, there's no grading scale to rank your performance. There is, however, a nagging voice in the back of your head telling you all the time how much better you could be, how much more you could be doing, how much cleaner your house should be, and all the things your baby isn't getting.
It doesn't help any that there are a million different theories out there that all claim that there is only one 'right' way to deal with the varies issues in parenting, or that you have well-meaning friends and family members offering advise on how 'they' do things.
What you have to learn is that there's only so much you can do, that you still have to care for yourself as well. You must be compassionate with yourself. Validation will come, not in the form that you're used to. Some women try to force validation, by belittling the methods that other women use. I got this a lot with my first child, when nursing wasn't working. All my friends were breastfeeding with no problems, and would offer all sorts of advise, all the while looking smug at their own success. It took me years to recognize they weren't trying to be mean, they were trying to feel like they were doing something right.
Your validation will come when you find what works for you. It will come in small, intangible moments. It may be at three in the morning, as you feed your sleepy newborn, and you feel this tiny voice inside you say "This is good, this is right". It may come with your baby's first smile, or when they learn to recognize your face. When you see that for your baby, you mean safety, security, warmth, love.
In a society that puts so much stock in careers and career building, where success is measured in pay scales and promotions, it's hard to transition to the slower, less glamorous world of diapers and midnight feedings. It's lonely at first, and isolating. But you will never be as important to anyone as you will be to your child.
Monday, June 28, 2010
There Are No Experts
During my past four years as a stay at home mother, I've occasionally taken odd jobs to help with our finances. Because of all my experience, and because my goal is to not put my girls in daycare, I usually end up working in childcare, which I love.
Currently I work for an agency that provides overnight help for new mothers. Recently I was at a new job, getting to know a new mother. Of course we first went over my experience with my own children and the five years I worked in child care centers prior to becoming a mother. Then we moved on to discussing her beautiful baby, and the mother began to express some of her concerns to me, and to ask my opinion on something, beginning with "Since you're an expert..."
When it comes to babies, there are no experts. The word expert implies that you know what to expect, and since every baby is different, you never can. There are the general things that remain consistent, the generic things listed in parenting books and gone over in newborn care classes, but those things are never specialized enough that a knowledge of them would qualify someone to be an expert.
I am an expert when it comes to my four year old. I know when she's just pretending to need to go potty and when she really needs to go. I know when she's about to get sick and I know when she's about to have a melt down. I'm also an expert with my eighteen month old. I can tell by the look on her face if she's getting a diaper rash without opening her diaper. I know when she's hungry, and when she just wants food to play with. I know when bedtime is going to be a struggle and when she'll go right to sleep. You can be an expert when it comes to your own children, in fact you will be the ONLY expert in that regard. It just takes time, time getting to know your baby.
As I anticipate the birth of my third child, I do have certain expectations. I expect childbirth to hurt, although I won't hazard a guess at how long it'll last (my first was 27 hours, my second took over 74) I expect breastfeeding to be uncomfortable, but I don't know if it'll work this time (For one of mine it did, the other, it just didn't) I expect those first few months to be full of sleepless nights, but I don't know when this one will sleep through the night or if we'll struggle with colic, or what that nighttime routine might be. I don't know this baby yet, I don't know her personality, no matter how much I know about babies in general. I plan to be flexible, to give myself time to get to know this new little person, and slowly become an expert in her needs and wants. No book you buy will teach you those secretes, it's knowledge you must gain on your own.
Currently I work for an agency that provides overnight help for new mothers. Recently I was at a new job, getting to know a new mother. Of course we first went over my experience with my own children and the five years I worked in child care centers prior to becoming a mother. Then we moved on to discussing her beautiful baby, and the mother began to express some of her concerns to me, and to ask my opinion on something, beginning with "Since you're an expert..."
When it comes to babies, there are no experts. The word expert implies that you know what to expect, and since every baby is different, you never can. There are the general things that remain consistent, the generic things listed in parenting books and gone over in newborn care classes, but those things are never specialized enough that a knowledge of them would qualify someone to be an expert.
I am an expert when it comes to my four year old. I know when she's just pretending to need to go potty and when she really needs to go. I know when she's about to get sick and I know when she's about to have a melt down. I'm also an expert with my eighteen month old. I can tell by the look on her face if she's getting a diaper rash without opening her diaper. I know when she's hungry, and when she just wants food to play with. I know when bedtime is going to be a struggle and when she'll go right to sleep. You can be an expert when it comes to your own children, in fact you will be the ONLY expert in that regard. It just takes time, time getting to know your baby.
As I anticipate the birth of my third child, I do have certain expectations. I expect childbirth to hurt, although I won't hazard a guess at how long it'll last (my first was 27 hours, my second took over 74) I expect breastfeeding to be uncomfortable, but I don't know if it'll work this time (For one of mine it did, the other, it just didn't) I expect those first few months to be full of sleepless nights, but I don't know when this one will sleep through the night or if we'll struggle with colic, or what that nighttime routine might be. I don't know this baby yet, I don't know her personality, no matter how much I know about babies in general. I plan to be flexible, to give myself time to get to know this new little person, and slowly become an expert in her needs and wants. No book you buy will teach you those secretes, it's knowledge you must gain on your own.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Sleep Deprivation
That first week home from the hospital with your beautiful new baby is so full of adrenaline and excitement that you don't realize how bone-achingly tired you are becoming.
Then it hits you. You're in your bathrobe, your hair is a mess, you haven't showered in days, and your adorable baby finally drifts off for a nap. You stand over the bassinet, watching your well-fed, just bathed, perfect child sleep and you wonder what to do with this brief interval of freedom. Sleep? Shower? Eat? Laundry? Dishes? The number of things that have piled up is overwhelming.
The answer to this dilemma is always SLEEP. If you're starving, eat a quick snack, but it'll be important to learn how to eat while rocking or feeding your baby. One consistent piece of advise that all your friends and family will give you, advise that is actually good, is sleep when your baby sleeps. Let the rest of the world just be. If you can nap for five minutes, do it.
Eventually, your body will learn to go on less sleep. Eventually, your baby will start to sleep longer stretches, and even through the night. You can catch up on laundry and the dishes and life then. For now, just sleep.
And let hubby deal with the mess.
Then it hits you. You're in your bathrobe, your hair is a mess, you haven't showered in days, and your adorable baby finally drifts off for a nap. You stand over the bassinet, watching your well-fed, just bathed, perfect child sleep and you wonder what to do with this brief interval of freedom. Sleep? Shower? Eat? Laundry? Dishes? The number of things that have piled up is overwhelming.
The answer to this dilemma is always SLEEP. If you're starving, eat a quick snack, but it'll be important to learn how to eat while rocking or feeding your baby. One consistent piece of advise that all your friends and family will give you, advise that is actually good, is sleep when your baby sleeps. Let the rest of the world just be. If you can nap for five minutes, do it.
Eventually, your body will learn to go on less sleep. Eventually, your baby will start to sleep longer stretches, and even through the night. You can catch up on laundry and the dishes and life then. For now, just sleep.
And let hubby deal with the mess.
How to Choice a Child Care Provider
The working mom vs. at home mom is another stressful dilemma for new mothers, and yet another area where we beat ourselves up and feel guilty for no reason. I don't know any stay at home moms who don't miss the extra income from working or the prestige that comes from a full time job. I also don't know any mothers who didn't feel a twinge of sadness at dropping their baby off at day care. It's a hard choice either way, and no one can decide what's best for your family but you (and maybe your spouse)
If you are returning to work, there are some things you might want to consider when looking at child care providers. I worked in child care centers for over five years before becoming a mother, and I've been a private provider for several years as well.
Things to look for in centers:
1. Bigger is not better. There are many big new centers out there with lots of pretty new toys. They look very impressive. They are also usually very full. When looking at these centers, look at how many children/teachers are in a room. There are state ratios these centers must adhere to, but if square footage permits they can take the 6 to 1 ratio, and make it 12 to 2 or 18 to 3. Ultimately, the more children in a room the more crazy things will be during the day. A two year old room with twelve toddlers and two teachers isn't that bad, but when you're looking at infant care try to find a center with the least number of infants per room. If the room is combined, ask if each teacher has certain infants they care for, or if they all care for all the infants. If there are three teachers in a room, and they don't have specific infants they care for, then the babies that cry the most will get the most attention.
2. Make sure there's an open door policy, and use it. This means that you can come by to check on your child at any point during the day. Teachers might tell you it's disruptive to their routine, but do it anyway. See how lunchtime goes, how nap time is, how well supervised your child is on the playground. This will reassure you that your child is getting the care they need, and keep the teachers on their toes. If your child gets upset seeing you at odd intervals, try to find ways to observe the class without being seen.
3. Ask questions. Never hesitate to get all the information, even if a teacher or director is acting annoyed. This isn't their child, it's yours.
4. Consistency is very important in a child's life. While I don't prescribe strongly to any one child raising philosophy, if there's something that's important to you, make sure it's important to your center too. At the same time, check how they discipline and what their daily routine is, and make sure these are things that could work for you at home too.
If you're considering an at-home provider:
These can be great for infants and younger toddlers, if you can find one you trust.
1. If the provider is working from their own home, and is caring for other children as well, try to find one that cares for children of similar age to yours.
2. Whether in your home or theirs, make sure again that it's understood that you'll be dropping by throughout the day to check in.
3. Check references. Check as many references as you can. If there are other children currently under the provider's care, ask for their parent's contact info as well.
4. Build a relationship. When you're entrusting your child to one individual, you're building a relationship with them. Trust takes time to develop, but is so important to your piece of mind.
5. Have a back up plan. If the provider is working out of their home, find out if they have a sub for when they're sick. If so, interview with the sub as well. If you're hiring a private nanny, find a back up as well.
Just like everything else in parenting, there is no right or wrong to childcare providers, there's just finding what's right for you. Hope some of this helps!
If you are returning to work, there are some things you might want to consider when looking at child care providers. I worked in child care centers for over five years before becoming a mother, and I've been a private provider for several years as well.
Things to look for in centers:
1. Bigger is not better. There are many big new centers out there with lots of pretty new toys. They look very impressive. They are also usually very full. When looking at these centers, look at how many children/teachers are in a room. There are state ratios these centers must adhere to, but if square footage permits they can take the 6 to 1 ratio, and make it 12 to 2 or 18 to 3. Ultimately, the more children in a room the more crazy things will be during the day. A two year old room with twelve toddlers and two teachers isn't that bad, but when you're looking at infant care try to find a center with the least number of infants per room. If the room is combined, ask if each teacher has certain infants they care for, or if they all care for all the infants. If there are three teachers in a room, and they don't have specific infants they care for, then the babies that cry the most will get the most attention.
2. Make sure there's an open door policy, and use it. This means that you can come by to check on your child at any point during the day. Teachers might tell you it's disruptive to their routine, but do it anyway. See how lunchtime goes, how nap time is, how well supervised your child is on the playground. This will reassure you that your child is getting the care they need, and keep the teachers on their toes. If your child gets upset seeing you at odd intervals, try to find ways to observe the class without being seen.
3. Ask questions. Never hesitate to get all the information, even if a teacher or director is acting annoyed. This isn't their child, it's yours.
4. Consistency is very important in a child's life. While I don't prescribe strongly to any one child raising philosophy, if there's something that's important to you, make sure it's important to your center too. At the same time, check how they discipline and what their daily routine is, and make sure these are things that could work for you at home too.
If you're considering an at-home provider:
These can be great for infants and younger toddlers, if you can find one you trust.
1. If the provider is working from their own home, and is caring for other children as well, try to find one that cares for children of similar age to yours.
2. Whether in your home or theirs, make sure again that it's understood that you'll be dropping by throughout the day to check in.
3. Check references. Check as many references as you can. If there are other children currently under the provider's care, ask for their parent's contact info as well.
4. Build a relationship. When you're entrusting your child to one individual, you're building a relationship with them. Trust takes time to develop, but is so important to your piece of mind.
5. Have a back up plan. If the provider is working out of their home, find out if they have a sub for when they're sick. If so, interview with the sub as well. If you're hiring a private nanny, find a back up as well.
Just like everything else in parenting, there is no right or wrong to childcare providers, there's just finding what's right for you. Hope some of this helps!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Vaccinations: Let's Get Right to the Point
I've been thinking about vaccinations a lot today. We had a double doctor appointment this afternoon, my four year old's annual physical, and my eighteen month old's regular check up. Both of them had shots, my oldest had four, and my youngest two. I then took two crying girls outside, where we called daddy for added sympathy.
I remember my first visit to a pediatrician's office as a new mother, and holding my adorable little baby as she received her first round of shots. I cried with her, and the whole way home felt like the world's meanest mother, despite repeating to myself over and over again that this would keep her safe, that it had to be done.
Then imagine the phone call from a friend later that afternoon, when this well-meaning friend informed me that I had just tripled my baby's chances of having autism.
Autism? Really?
This theory is based on a study done in 1998, the lead author of which was Dr. Andrew Wakefield. The medical journal that published the paper, The Lancet, recently issued a retraction. A news article about this retraction can be found at CNN.com
Despite this retraction, there are now hundreds of articles online linking autism and vaccines, and that dwell exclusively on the evils and dangers of vaccines.
If one tries to research the causes of autism, however, there are no simple answers. There are theories that it's genetic, that it's linked to food allergies, that it could be caused by the many hazards of a modern society, that it's caused by too much and too early television viewing. One article on the link to television viewing that I found interesting is found at www.nber.org The thing I like about this article is while it illustrates the relation of autism and TV viewing, it does not try to shift the blame solely to television while ignoring other contributing factors.
If you are considering whether or not to vaccinate, it's important to look at the different articles that bash vaccines with a critical eye. Many will take something like autism, isolate all other contributing factors, and focus solely on vaccinations. One such article looks at autism among the Amish, and can be found at www.whale.to As this is a continuing series, I am interested to see if the author, Dan Olmsted, will look at other factors in the Amish community that may contribute to the scarcity of autism, factors like lack of television, eating an all-organic diet, less exposure to environmental pollutants, and a limited genetic pool. As it stands, the article, especially Part 2, leans heavily on vaccines.
The other side of the vaccination argument is fairly represented at www.vaccinateyoutbaby.org, and contains links to other articles and sites. It is important to note that as more and more people are opting not to vaccinate, outbreaks of infectious diseases such as the measles are becoming more common. Not everyone can get vaccinated. Very young children, children on steroids for asthma, HIV patients, and people undergoing chemo can't receive vaccinations. The only way they can be protected is by our society as a whole preventing breakouts. When a large percentage of a population is vaccinated, it prevents how far and how fast diseases can spread through what's called "herd immunity". As more people decide not to vaccinate, that immunity weakens, putting the most vulnerable citizens at the most risk. Statics and numbers do little to make this threat real to people, there is a page on the Vaccinate Your Baby Website that shares personal stories of people who have died from preventable diseases. They can be found at www.vaccinateyourbaby.org/why/victims.cfm
Ultimately, this is a choice you must make. I hope the above links will aid you as you research the pros and cons of vaccination. Personally, I think the benefits outweigh the risks, and while it is scary and hard to imagine a foreign substance being injected into your sweet baby, it is equally scary and hard to imagine that midnight cough that leads to the ER that leads to hospitalization and potential fatal consequences. Both sides of this debate play up the fear factor, trying to persuade others to join their side out of sheer terror. Your job as a mother isn't to join sides, it's to care for the amazing life that has been entrusted to you, and it's up to you to decide how you want to do that.
I remember my first visit to a pediatrician's office as a new mother, and holding my adorable little baby as she received her first round of shots. I cried with her, and the whole way home felt like the world's meanest mother, despite repeating to myself over and over again that this would keep her safe, that it had to be done.
Then imagine the phone call from a friend later that afternoon, when this well-meaning friend informed me that I had just tripled my baby's chances of having autism.
Autism? Really?
This theory is based on a study done in 1998, the lead author of which was Dr. Andrew Wakefield. The medical journal that published the paper, The Lancet, recently issued a retraction. A news article about this retraction can be found at CNN.com
Despite this retraction, there are now hundreds of articles online linking autism and vaccines, and that dwell exclusively on the evils and dangers of vaccines.
If one tries to research the causes of autism, however, there are no simple answers. There are theories that it's genetic, that it's linked to food allergies, that it could be caused by the many hazards of a modern society, that it's caused by too much and too early television viewing. One article on the link to television viewing that I found interesting is found at www.nber.org The thing I like about this article is while it illustrates the relation of autism and TV viewing, it does not try to shift the blame solely to television while ignoring other contributing factors.
If you are considering whether or not to vaccinate, it's important to look at the different articles that bash vaccines with a critical eye. Many will take something like autism, isolate all other contributing factors, and focus solely on vaccinations. One such article looks at autism among the Amish, and can be found at www.whale.to As this is a continuing series, I am interested to see if the author, Dan Olmsted, will look at other factors in the Amish community that may contribute to the scarcity of autism, factors like lack of television, eating an all-organic diet, less exposure to environmental pollutants, and a limited genetic pool. As it stands, the article, especially Part 2, leans heavily on vaccines.
The other side of the vaccination argument is fairly represented at www.vaccinateyoutbaby.org, and contains links to other articles and sites. It is important to note that as more and more people are opting not to vaccinate, outbreaks of infectious diseases such as the measles are becoming more common. Not everyone can get vaccinated. Very young children, children on steroids for asthma, HIV patients, and people undergoing chemo can't receive vaccinations. The only way they can be protected is by our society as a whole preventing breakouts. When a large percentage of a population is vaccinated, it prevents how far and how fast diseases can spread through what's called "herd immunity". As more people decide not to vaccinate, that immunity weakens, putting the most vulnerable citizens at the most risk. Statics and numbers do little to make this threat real to people, there is a page on the Vaccinate Your Baby Website that shares personal stories of people who have died from preventable diseases. They can be found at www.vaccinateyourbaby.org/why/victims.cfm
Ultimately, this is a choice you must make. I hope the above links will aid you as you research the pros and cons of vaccination. Personally, I think the benefits outweigh the risks, and while it is scary and hard to imagine a foreign substance being injected into your sweet baby, it is equally scary and hard to imagine that midnight cough that leads to the ER that leads to hospitalization and potential fatal consequences. Both sides of this debate play up the fear factor, trying to persuade others to join their side out of sheer terror. Your job as a mother isn't to join sides, it's to care for the amazing life that has been entrusted to you, and it's up to you to decide how you want to do that.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
What is Moderate Mothering?
As a new mother, you will be faced with an onslaught of information about being a mother. It will come in book form, in advice from friends and family, and in the form of competition from other new mothers. My philosophy in Moderate Mothering is to empower each mother to be able to sift through all of this and decide on her own what is best for her, her family, and her baby.
Many of you are familiar with the name Bruce Lee, and the unique system of martial arts he developed known as Jeet Kune Do. Lee grew up studying many forms of martial arts, and found in them all the same weakness: They each relied upon a set pattern of predictable movements that had existed for centuries. He decided a better method would be to combine them all, and for the martial artist to be constantly able to change and adapt, to learn many different techniques and how to adapt them to whatever challenge they may be facing.
With my first daughter, I read a book on sleep training. The book promised an 80% success rate, and also claimed that the other 20% was due largely to improper application of the techniques listed. I followed the book, and at eight weeks my daughter slept through the night. I of course bragged to all my friends, and congratulated myself for being a wonderful mother. Then, two and a half years later, I had my second daughter. I reread the same book, and followed the recommended methods again. This time, however, my baby did not sleep through the night consistently until after she was six months old. What was different? The thing this book, and many other parenting books, doesn't take into consideration is that every baby is different, they are born with unique and distinct personalities. There is no 'one size fits all' method for mothering. Like what Bruce Lee saw with Martial Arts, the best method is to study it all, and use the techniques that work best for you and your baby.
The other fatal flaw with many of these parenting books is that they are written in such a way that is sounds as if this is the only possible way to mother your child, and if you don't do it this way you're harming your child for life. Much of the breastfeeding literature that is circulating these days is written in the same way. I have met so many mothers who feel guilty because breastfeeding doesn't work or because a certain parenting technique just doesn't work for them. I have fallen victim of this myself, and have learned that nothing is more toxic to your ability to mother than being burdened by unnecessary guilt. I am for breastfeeding, but for those times when it just doesn't work, thank God for formula. My second daughter nursed like a dream, but with my first nursing was a nightmare. I was cracked and bleeding, she wouldn't latch on correctly, and every feeding turned into a wrestling match with her and left me in tears of agony and frustration. When I finally gave up nursing, I did pump until just before she turned six months, but I was shocked by how many other women and mothers judged me because breastfeeding didn't work. Even a few men had comments. As wonderful as breastfeeding and breast milk is, no one who hasn't gone through the worst of it has a right to judge a mother for choosing to stop. And if you want to breastfeed and it doesn't work, don't feel guilty. You should never allow guilt to govern your life or the decisions you make as a mother. Stopping breastfeeding with my first allowed my body a chance to heal, and also allowed me to bond with my baby since feedings were no longer a battle for both of us. Thankfully, with my second I had none of these problems, breastfeeding was effortless and virtually painless, and we nursed till almost her first birthday.
As I analyze and breakdown these different theories on parenting, motherhood, and breastfeeding, please know that I am proMother. By proMother, I mean that I believe that every mother can discern what is best for her and her baby. If I sound disparaging about a certain practice or idea that you feel strongly about, you are more than welcome to call me on it, but please remember that although this practice might work great for you, that doesn't mean that it's right for every mother and every baby. One of the principles of Moderate Mothering is supporting other mothers, whether they breast or bottle feed, whether they sleep train or believe in the family bed, regardless of what decisions they make for their families. There are no cookie cutter answers, but what I hope to bring to light on this blog and in the book that is to follow, is some of the flaws of these parenting books and techniques, and ways to look at them critically, to better discern what is best for your situation. Also, by analyzing and comparing these different theories, I hope to dispel the myth that there is only one right way to care for your baby, and with it some of the guilt that plagues new mothers. This is Moderate Mothering.
Many of you are familiar with the name Bruce Lee, and the unique system of martial arts he developed known as Jeet Kune Do. Lee grew up studying many forms of martial arts, and found in them all the same weakness: They each relied upon a set pattern of predictable movements that had existed for centuries. He decided a better method would be to combine them all, and for the martial artist to be constantly able to change and adapt, to learn many different techniques and how to adapt them to whatever challenge they may be facing.
With my first daughter, I read a book on sleep training. The book promised an 80% success rate, and also claimed that the other 20% was due largely to improper application of the techniques listed. I followed the book, and at eight weeks my daughter slept through the night. I of course bragged to all my friends, and congratulated myself for being a wonderful mother. Then, two and a half years later, I had my second daughter. I reread the same book, and followed the recommended methods again. This time, however, my baby did not sleep through the night consistently until after she was six months old. What was different? The thing this book, and many other parenting books, doesn't take into consideration is that every baby is different, they are born with unique and distinct personalities. There is no 'one size fits all' method for mothering. Like what Bruce Lee saw with Martial Arts, the best method is to study it all, and use the techniques that work best for you and your baby.
The other fatal flaw with many of these parenting books is that they are written in such a way that is sounds as if this is the only possible way to mother your child, and if you don't do it this way you're harming your child for life. Much of the breastfeeding literature that is circulating these days is written in the same way. I have met so many mothers who feel guilty because breastfeeding doesn't work or because a certain parenting technique just doesn't work for them. I have fallen victim of this myself, and have learned that nothing is more toxic to your ability to mother than being burdened by unnecessary guilt. I am for breastfeeding, but for those times when it just doesn't work, thank God for formula. My second daughter nursed like a dream, but with my first nursing was a nightmare. I was cracked and bleeding, she wouldn't latch on correctly, and every feeding turned into a wrestling match with her and left me in tears of agony and frustration. When I finally gave up nursing, I did pump until just before she turned six months, but I was shocked by how many other women and mothers judged me because breastfeeding didn't work. Even a few men had comments. As wonderful as breastfeeding and breast milk is, no one who hasn't gone through the worst of it has a right to judge a mother for choosing to stop. And if you want to breastfeed and it doesn't work, don't feel guilty. You should never allow guilt to govern your life or the decisions you make as a mother. Stopping breastfeeding with my first allowed my body a chance to heal, and also allowed me to bond with my baby since feedings were no longer a battle for both of us. Thankfully, with my second I had none of these problems, breastfeeding was effortless and virtually painless, and we nursed till almost her first birthday.
As I analyze and breakdown these different theories on parenting, motherhood, and breastfeeding, please know that I am proMother. By proMother, I mean that I believe that every mother can discern what is best for her and her baby. If I sound disparaging about a certain practice or idea that you feel strongly about, you are more than welcome to call me on it, but please remember that although this practice might work great for you, that doesn't mean that it's right for every mother and every baby. One of the principles of Moderate Mothering is supporting other mothers, whether they breast or bottle feed, whether they sleep train or believe in the family bed, regardless of what decisions they make for their families. There are no cookie cutter answers, but what I hope to bring to light on this blog and in the book that is to follow, is some of the flaws of these parenting books and techniques, and ways to look at them critically, to better discern what is best for your situation. Also, by analyzing and comparing these different theories, I hope to dispel the myth that there is only one right way to care for your baby, and with it some of the guilt that plagues new mothers. This is Moderate Mothering.
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