The Intangible

One of the hardest things about motherhood is changing the way we feel validated. Most of us enter motherhood after careers of some sort, or from being a full time student. When you get a paycheck, or a compliment from someone you work with, or praise from your boss, it validates your efforts. When you make a good grade on a paper, when you get an 'A' in a class, it tells you that you are performing your best, that you're doing a good job.

When you're a mother, there is no validation of this kind. There's no one telling you that you're doing a great job day in and day out, there's no paycheck, there's no grading scale to rank your performance. There is, however, a nagging voice in the back of your head telling you all the time how much better you could be, how much more you could be doing, how much cleaner your house should be, and all the things your baby isn't getting.

It doesn't help any that there are a million different theories out there that all claim that there is only one 'right' way to deal with the varies issues in parenting, or that you have well-meaning friends and family members offering advise on how 'they' do things.

What you have to learn is that there's only so much you can do, that you still have to care for yourself as well. You must be compassionate with yourself. Validation will come, not in the form that you're used to. Some women try to force validation, by belittling the methods that other women use. I got this a lot with my first child, when nursing wasn't working. All my friends were breastfeeding with no problems, and would offer all sorts of advise, all the while looking smug at their own success. It took me years to recognize they weren't trying to be mean, they were trying to feel like they were doing something right.

Your validation will come when you find what works for you. It will come in small, intangible moments. It may be at three in the morning, as you feed your sleepy newborn, and you feel this tiny voice inside you say "This is good, this is right". It may come with your baby's first smile, or when they learn to recognize your face. When you see that for your baby, you mean safety, security, warmth, love.

In a society that puts so much stock in careers and career building, where success is measured in pay scales and promotions, it's hard to transition to the slower, less glamorous world of diapers and midnight feedings. It's lonely at first, and isolating. But you will never be as important to anyone as you will be to your child.

There Are No Experts

During my past four years as a stay at home mother, I've occasionally taken odd jobs to help with our finances. Because of all my experience, and because my goal is to not put my girls in daycare, I usually end up working in childcare, which I love.

Currently I work for an agency that provides overnight help for new mothers. Recently I was at a new job, getting to know a new mother. Of course we first went over my experience with my own children and the five years I worked in child care centers prior to becoming a mother. Then we moved on to discussing her beautiful baby, and the mother began to express some of her concerns to me, and to ask my opinion on something, beginning with "Since you're an expert..."

When it comes to babies, there are no experts. The word expert implies that you know what to expect, and since every baby is different, you never can. There are the general things that remain consistent, the generic things listed in parenting books and gone over in newborn care classes, but those things are never specialized enough that a knowledge of them would qualify someone to be an expert.

I am an expert when it comes to my four year old. I know when she's just pretending to need to go potty and when she really needs to go. I know when she's about to get sick and I know when she's about to have a melt down. I'm also an expert with my eighteen month old. I can tell by the look on her face if she's getting a diaper rash without opening her diaper. I know when she's hungry, and when she just wants food to play with. I know when bedtime is going to be a struggle and when she'll go right to sleep. You can be an expert when it comes to your own children, in fact you will be the ONLY expert in that regard. It just takes time, time getting to know your baby.

As I anticipate the birth of my third child, I do have certain expectations. I expect childbirth to hurt, although I won't hazard a guess at how long it'll last (my first was 27 hours, my second took over 74) I expect breastfeeding to be uncomfortable, but I don't know if it'll work this time (For one of mine it did, the other, it just didn't) I expect those first few months to be full of sleepless nights, but I don't know when this one will sleep through the night or if we'll struggle with colic, or what that nighttime routine might be. I don't know this baby yet, I don't know her personality, no matter how much I know about babies in general. I plan to be flexible, to give myself time to get to know this new little person, and slowly become an expert in her needs and wants. No book you buy will teach you those secretes, it's knowledge you must gain on your own.

Sleep Deprivation

That first week home from the hospital with your beautiful new baby is so full of adrenaline and excitement that you don't realize how bone-achingly tired you are becoming.

Then it hits you. You're in your bathrobe, your hair is a mess, you haven't showered in days, and your adorable baby finally drifts off for a nap. You stand over the bassinet, watching your well-fed, just bathed, perfect child sleep and you wonder what to do with this brief interval of freedom. Sleep? Shower? Eat? Laundry? Dishes? The number of things that have piled up is overwhelming.

The answer to this dilemma is always SLEEP. If you're starving, eat a quick snack, but it'll be important to learn how to eat while rocking or feeding your baby. One consistent piece of advise that all your friends and family will give you, advise that is actually good, is sleep when your baby sleeps. Let the rest of the world just be. If you can nap for five minutes, do it.

Eventually, your body will learn to go on less sleep. Eventually, your baby will start to sleep longer stretches, and even through the night. You can catch up on laundry and the dishes and life then. For now, just sleep.

And let hubby deal with the mess.