What is Moderate Mothering?

As a new mother, you will be faced with an onslaught of information about being a mother. It will come in book form, in advice from friends and family, and in the form of competition from other new mothers. My philosophy in Moderate Mothering is to empower each mother to be able to sift through all of this and decide on her own what is best for her, her family, and her baby.

Many of you are familiar with the name Bruce Lee, and the unique system of martial arts he developed known as Jeet Kune Do. Lee grew up studying many forms of martial arts, and found in them all the same weakness: They each relied upon a set pattern of predictable movements that had existed for centuries. He decided a better method would be to combine them all, and for the martial artist to be constantly able to change and adapt, to learn many different techniques and how to adapt them to whatever challenge they may be facing.

With my first daughter, I read a book on sleep training. The book promised an 80% success rate, and also claimed that the other 20% was due largely to improper application of the techniques listed. I followed the book, and at eight weeks my daughter slept through the night. I of course bragged to all my friends, and congratulated myself for being a wonderful mother. Then, two and a half years later, I had my second daughter. I reread the same book, and followed the recommended methods again. This time, however, my baby did not sleep through the night consistently until after she was six months old. What was different? The thing this book, and many other parenting books, doesn't take into consideration is that every baby is different, they are born with unique and distinct personalities. There is no 'one size fits all' method for mothering. Like what Bruce Lee saw with Martial Arts, the best method is to study it all, and use the techniques that work best for you and your baby.

The other fatal flaw with many of these parenting books is that they are written in such a way that is sounds as if this is the only possible way to mother your child, and if you don't do it this way you're harming your child for life. Much of the breastfeeding literature that is circulating these days is written in the same way. I have met so many mothers who feel guilty because breastfeeding doesn't work or because a certain parenting technique just doesn't work for them. I have fallen victim of this myself, and have learned that nothing is more toxic to your ability to mother than being burdened by unnecessary guilt. I am for breastfeeding, but for those times when it just doesn't work, thank God for formula. My second daughter nursed like a dream, but with my first nursing was a nightmare. I was cracked and bleeding, she wouldn't latch on correctly, and every feeding turned into a wrestling match with her and left me in tears of agony and frustration. When I finally gave up nursing, I did pump until just before she turned six months, but I was shocked by how many other women and mothers judged me because breastfeeding didn't work. Even a few men had comments. As wonderful as breastfeeding and breast milk is, no one who hasn't gone through the worst of it has a right to judge a mother for choosing to stop. And if you want to breastfeed and it doesn't work, don't feel guilty. You should never allow guilt to govern your life or the decisions you make as a mother. Stopping breastfeeding with my first allowed my body a chance to heal, and also allowed me to bond with my baby since feedings were no longer a battle for both of us. Thankfully, with my second I had none of these problems, breastfeeding was effortless and virtually painless, and we nursed till almost her first birthday.

As I analyze and breakdown these different theories on parenting, motherhood, and breastfeeding, please know that I am proMother. By proMother, I mean that I believe that every mother can discern what is best for her and her baby. If I sound disparaging about a certain practice or idea that you feel strongly about, you are more than welcome to call me on it, but please remember that although this practice might work great for you, that doesn't mean that it's right for every mother and every baby. One of the principles of Moderate Mothering is supporting other mothers, whether they breast or bottle feed, whether they sleep train or believe in the family bed, regardless of what decisions they make for their families. There are no cookie cutter answers, but what I hope to bring to light on this blog and in the book that is to follow, is some of the flaws of these parenting books and techniques, and ways to look at them critically, to better discern what is best for your situation. Also, by analyzing and comparing these different theories, I hope to dispel the myth that there is only one right way to care for your baby, and with it some of the guilt that plagues new mothers. This is Moderate Mothering.